heaven's not enough

I don't really know how to say this...

2008-05-26T16:47:28Z

But I have to anyway, and I finally think I have the courage to do so.

I'm gay. There, I said it.

So I've finally found the courage to come out, I hope you can all accept me for who I am. It's so hard to be out and proud, even these days. Please contact me, I need to know if if you will support me through this.

It's very hard for me to say these things and I hope I have your support. If I don't I'll be disappointed but I'll have to deal with it. I accept that I may lose some, if not all of my friends during this journey, but it's something I desperately need to do.

Best wishes,
Steven

shikari_hikaru @ 2008-05-21T02:05:00

2008-05-21T09:08:54Z

I'm remodeling my room at home, and in the process, I went through my memories drawer to be packed into boxes.

Some memories are better left in the past.

shikari_hikaru @ 2008-04-22T00:25:00

2008-04-22T05:14:57Z

Ok, so there is this girl...

It's a little difficult to talk about, but I wanted to get some feedback on my situation. It's rather intricate, and I'm not sure what to do. I have a friend-- she is... well, amazing. I think she is one of few women that I would call beautiful. The fact that she is bloody brilliant is even more attractive, I think. She has this subtle, sarcastic humour that I think you all know that I would appreciate. Definitely one of the features I like in a woman. Furthermore, she possesses a moral compass that allows room for mischief that I find is similar to my own I think. Let's face it, I could never be interested in a saint. Of course, I can't speak for her, but this is what I have gathered from knowing her. I really like talking with her! and I can't say that about many people. She is rather zany, and it's truly wonderful. oh oh! Also, she shares similar hopes for the future. That is-- things to do, places to go, etc. When I first met her, I had this expectation about the kind of person she would be (initial judgments), and have been continually amazed by her growth as a person. It's like every time I see her, she is somehow more herself-- and that self is someone that I not only respect, but that to me grows more and more attractive. I don't mean to ramble on, but I have wanted to try to put some of my feelings for her into words for so long (it seems).

What's the problem then? Well, it's not so much a problem as a dilemma. As I mentioned, she is someone who is a friend. I'm not sure if it would be the best idea to risk friendship for something more, you know? I would hope that by my age, something like this (which I take to be very serious) would allow even deeper friendship and growth together (assuming she is interesting in me in the least :x ), but maybe I'm still a little too young to be thinking about such serious things? I have the sneaking suspicion that she may be feeling the same way, but I dunno if that is just wishful thinking on my part. I would really hope that she possesses initiative. That is to say (as a personal preference but something that I desire very seriously)-- I really like it when a girl takes the initiative to express their feelings for me as opposed to me taking the initiative. Also, that they are very affectionate-- hugs etc. and initiating them as opposed to expecting me to all the time. The only gauge on this whole matter that I have I guess is the fact that she hasn't asked me out yet lol. Another thing is... well I'm going to be gone next year in Japan. Maybe there is no rush on everything, but part of me isn't sure if I am willing to risk losing her to someone else who might come along. I know that sounds selfish, but it's the truth. Also, I think it would be unfair to put relational pressure on someone when you're going to be up and leaving haha. Despite the fact that we share similar hopes for the future, for some reason I see us going in separate directions after college, that is to say if I don't take initiative on my feelings. I guess I could wait until college is over to express all of this, but not only does that seem so far away, it also seems like quite a risk to take, because we might end up in different places. If that happened, I think my feelings would go unsaid, and I don't want that. I guess it's a battle between head and heart. My head is telling me that the timing is all wrong, but my heart says go for it! I want to follow my heart, but at the same time I am afraid that it might ruin things. I'm just not sure what to do.

shikari_hikaru @ 2008-03-30T20:04:00

2008-03-31T00:05:00Z

I'm not a nerd, I'm a jock who's too cool to go out for sports.

Uses Phoenix Down on Lj

2008-03-29T21:04:33Z

Well it looks like I'm not entirely done here yet. I am finding that writing helps to get some of my more personal thoughts out, and I like to have my closest friends' input on things, so i plan to be posting again. This time around, I expect that a lot of what I will have to say may be particularly revealing, as I plan to say exactly what is on my mind and/or bothering me.

So on to stuff I guess--

Last night, I was having some serious trouble sleeping. For some reason whenever I am up late at night like that, my mind leans toward a sick depression. This has been a more recent development, and I sincerely wish that it didn't happen. It is a very strange feeling that seems to well from my chest. A sort of hopelessness or stagnation with regards to life in general. I seem to get this sinking feeling, and begin to think that life is very droll-- monotonous. Have you ever had the feeling that everything seems so boring, what I am doing with my life, etc etc? On one hand I can sort of understand how I can be having these thoughts. School hasn't turned out to be exactly what I had expected. There is a lot less to do, and I am not really connecting with people on a level that I would have liked. Most of the time I feel like I am wasting my youth by not being out doing things. A lot of it stems from there being a significant lacking in things to do here in Cincinnati. And just as much I think stems from a longing to be back home around friends and family. There is a certain comfort that I have by being close proximity to the people i have grown up with. Whenever I am home, I never even lend a thought to such depressing things. I am always too busy having fun to get down, you know? But out here, most of the time I am sitting on my hands. I think it might have a lot to do with my living alone. I have a lot of down time where I don't see or hear from people for extended periods of time, and it's really been getting to me. I think it might have been a better idea to stay in the dorms for one more year before moving off campus. Either that or have moved off campus with a few other people as opposed to living all by my lonesome. I had a long conversation with my friend Jenn last night about a lot of this stuff. I was surprised to find out that she had been having a lot of the same thought and feelings as I am. She transferred back home this semester, because she wasn't finding satisfaction here at school. Both of us were mirroring a lot of the same ideas of wanting something more.

I have a few ideas about where all this negativity could be coming from. First, things have been monotonous since i returned to school, and that is never a good feeling. Also, things for the past, oh 3 or 4 weeks haven't really been going my way, so it might be stress getting to me. I thought that I prided myself on my ability to persevere through the hard times, but this time around it seems somewhat harder. Maybe it's the lack a support network out here, but at the same time, I also thought that I was very strong within myself. This is the sort of thing that I used to be able to handle really well, and I wonder-- Am I slipping? I have another theory that it has been my lack of "get up and go" revolving around my having poison oak for the past week, that is keeping me down. All this pent up energy that I haven't been able to release could be causing undue stress as well. I'm used to being active nearly everyday, and for the past 2 weeks, i haven't been able to go out and do anything. A final thought on the subject of negativity is one that involves my lack of real excitement lately. For a while now, I haven't really felt a fire in my belly about anything. games, movies, even new books don't seem to pump me up. I have been thinking back over the past 2 or 3 years about some of the things I had gotten really excited about-- College, Website, Various Games, House MD, Anime, music, Movies, Fencing-- but none of these things really put that fire in me anymore. And there hasn't been anything to replace those things. Mind you, I think that outdoors things could really fill that void, but it's so hard to 1) find anyone to go with and 2) find a place to go around here. I mean back home in California, there is no shortage whatsoever in finding places like that. But out here, it just kind of sucks >_> Lately, I have almost wanted to say that Alex was right, and I would have been better off transferring to UCSB this year, but now that I am so far into my career here (and studying abroad next year), I am sort of stuck with it until i graduate.

These feelings of being down or dare I say- depressed *_* never seem to last for long, but they always seem to be lurking somewhere in the back of my mind. A lot of it has to do with the fact that I tend to think too much. Whenever my mind isn't absorbed in some active task, I am usually thinking too much about things that i would rather not. I think it would be a lot more blissful if I could shut my mind off from time to time. Just sort of go with the flow and find satisfaction in the mundane. Sometimes I wish i was a little more innocent, even ignorant. Don't get me wrong, knowledge is a wonderful, and I am proud to be such a nerdy smart guy, but lately I have really come to a more poignant understanding of the quote: "Ignorance is bliss".

I feel almost guilty sometimes by having these thoughts. All of this seems so uncharacteristic of me. I mean, how bad do I have it? Really? Not bad at all! I think of some people who have to deal with a lot more serious shit than monotony and some far-off idea of self-actualization. There are many more people than I would have a much greater right to these feelings than I do, but I still can't shake these feelings sometimes. Whenever I get this way, I almost scream at myself in my mind: What are you even doing man!? Life is awesome! Think of all of the things you want to accomplish! I have the realization that what I am feeling almost groundless, but I can't seem to shut my mind off of focusing on it. I always hope that the feelings will pass, and sure enough, they always do. But each time I worry that this sort of thing might become something very real that i will be dealing with on a daily basis. That is not something I want and is honestly one thing that I seriously fear.

It's been classy

2008-02-02T20:01:28Z

well, I don't think I'll be posting anymore. This journal has served its original intended purpose.

Thanks you guys~

/thoughts

2008-01-22T03:35:39Z

lately I have been especially conflicted. I find myself torn between the duality of my personal desires. On the one hand I am especially reserved and intellectually out-going. I seek the closeness of nature and friendship and desire nothing more than to live in the country; at peace with life. Living day to day in appreciation of existence and leading a life of subtle consumption. I turn away anxiety and embrace tranquility. Things just slide off my back. I don't care about making a good living, so long as what I do what fills my life with meaning. I find myself wanting to seek out someone to be a close, long-lasting partner with which I can become intimately engaged while enjoying the simplicity of companionship. I seek travel in order to see with my own two eyes the beauty that exists across this vast world. I take pleasure in the successes of others and look outward to try to listen and help. On the other hand I am wholly extroverted and a little out of control. I am intensely competitive, and want only the best for myself and those close to me. I reject nature in favour of technology, and seek the satisfaction of my base desires. I want to go out on the town and live it up! Drink, dance, fuck. Anything that brings thrill and gratification! I want to run about and shout, be loud, obnoxious-- not give a damn about the opinions of others. Fuck politics and fuck religion; nothing but a waste of my good time. I want to live my life to the absolute max, because you're only young for so long. I don't lend a single thought to other people other than what they can do for me. I am only out for me and my own.

Lately, I find myself looking up at the night sky and wondering where I am going. I wish that I was part of something bigger. Something mysterious, magical, amazing-- unknown and adventurous. I want so bad to wake up and find that I can fly high through the night sky... to truly discover something that will take my breath away. To break free of this monotonous routine and partake of something that is larger-than-life. As I stand on the verge of the rest of my life, I can't help but look into the future-- wondering: Will I will be satisfied in death? Will I have done what I wanted? Seen what I wanted to see? Lived, loved-- flourished? You know those few moments right before you fall asleep where your mind is flooded with reflections on the day? Interactions, experiences, regrets. You wonder about past decisions: would things be better if I had only done this? could things be worse? I think about those thousands of stars lighting up that big black abyss... it's dizzying.

shikari_hikaru @ 2008-01-04T11:03:00

2008-01-04T19:03:53Z

Answer the following questions in a comment:
1. Do you have a tattoo?
2. How old are you?
3. Are you single or taken?
4. PC or console?
5. Tell me something you don't think I'd know about you.
6. Ever seen a corpse?
7. Best bad movie of all time?
8. How did we meet?
9. What's your philosophy on life and death?
10. If you could do anything with me, and have no one know, what would it be?
11. Do you trust the police?
12. Do you like musicals?
13. What is your fondest memory of me?
14. If you could change anything about yourself what would it be?
15. Would you cheat?
16. What are you wearing?
17. Have you ever peed in a pool?
18. Would you hide evidence for me if I asked you to?
19. If I only had one day to live, what would we do together?
20. Which do you prefer - short or long hair?
21. What's your favorite day of the week?
22. What's your favorite color?
23. If you could bring back anyone who's died, who would it be?
24. Tell me one interesting/odd fact about you?
25. What was your first impression of me?
26. Have you ever done drugs?
27. Will you post this so I can fill it out for you?

shikari_hikaru @ 2007-12-17T12:26:00

2007-12-17T17:29:40Z

I have to get rid of my ferrets by the time I get back from christmas break. My landlord re-thought her position on animals, and decided she didn't want any in the house. So she told me to make arrangements for them to be sold. It sucks. majorly. I was finally settled in with them, and they were being so lovable and fun, and now I have to get rid of them.

-kanashi-

shikari_hikaru @ 2007-12-11T19:33:00

2007-12-12T00:33:41Z

everyone in the whole world is going to die of cancer. this is so stupid

shikari_hikaru @ 2007-11-25T17:11:00

2007-11-25T22:16:26Z

knowledge and experience rarely speak the same language.
but isn't t the knowledge that comes from experience more valuable that that which doesn't?
it seems fairly obvious to some of us that scholars need to go outside and do a bit of sniffing around--
walk through the grass, talk to the animals. that sort of thing.

but while lots of people talk to animals,
not very many listen.
and that's the problem.

there is more to Knowing than just being correct.

Note to Self

2007-11-23T07:38:26Z

Sex without love is the exact same as masturbation. There is no difference. Therefore sex is not of consequence in a relationship until after marriage/love.

shikari_hikaru @ 2007-11-20T19:56:00

2007-11-21T00:57:02Z

sometimes I can be really dense.

shikari_hikaru @ 2007-11-15T13:30:00

2007-11-15T18:37:28Z

the world is really cracking down on santa this year. So far, he's been told to slim down, because his obese appearance is setting a bad example for kids. Also, he's not allowed to say "ho ho ho" as it is offensive to women-- similar to the slang term for "prostitute" you know. Finally, our merry Klaus is in fact too merry, and has been asked to tone down his cheerful demeanor, because it is an "unrealistic" depiction, as the people of the world aren't that happy, so why should he be?

the world is fucking ridiculous. I mean come on... seriously.

shikari_hikaru @ 2007-11-12T23:03:00

2007-11-13T04:10:52Z

ok so I am at a crossroads. I am definitely selling one of my ferrets, as she is a little brat and not fun to be around. At this point I can do one of two things:

1) Sell the other ferret, even though she is an absolute love and never bites or anything

or

2) Keep her.

Pros of Keeping Her:
Not being all alone
She's soooo adorable
good conversation piece

Cons of Keeping Her:
Room smells a little bad
Clean up poo
Getting someone watch her over christmas breaks
(I think) people haven't been visiting me as much because of them for some reason.
wakes me up every night/morning (might be able to rememdy this)
Will she lessen my chance of getting a girlfriend? (one who maybe wants to even stay at my place with me?)
Might have to sell her anyway if landlady finds out about her.

I would like everyone's opinion, do the pros outweigh the cons? Please be honest, as I have the rest of my life for pets...

and I guess if nothing else, I can try it out for awhile to see how things go, and decide at a later time if I want to sell her

shikari_hikaru @ 2007-11-11T06:18:00

2007-11-11T11:19:09Z

holy fucking hell my dreams are getting out of hand. They are so vivid and real, and I can recall them all to well in the morning.

shikari_hikaru @ 2007-11-09T15:44:00

2007-11-09T20:45:17Z

I am so looking forward to doing nothing this weekend

shikari_hikaru @ 2007-11-03T13:21:00

2007-11-03T17:23:23Z

the battle lasted one day and one night
scattering flowers of fire, and sending demons aflight.
it has been said-- that the blood of the dead-- turned the rivers red.
and the lone warrior who took the helm
has hence been known as the king of the realm.

shikari_hikaru @ 2007-10-21T19:00:00

2007-10-21T23:01:39Z

feeling moonlight break
gentle impulses shake me
it is almost time

shikari_hikaru @ 2007-10-15T11:55:00

2007-10-15T16:06:53Z

I've been in a funk lately. I can't sleep well, I'm wrecklessly inefficient at schoolwork, achey, and not really hungry at all. It kind of sucks, because everything in life is going really well, but i just can't seem to shake this :\

EDIT:: I'm glad that didn't last long :)

shikari_hikaru @ 2007-10-02T01:14:00

2007-10-02T05:16:55Z

I wonder if there had been a low-turnout at the crucifixion, would they have rescheduled? You've never seen a crucifix with a Jesus who wasn't almost naked. You've never seen a fat Jesus or a Jesus with body hair. Every crucifix you've ever seen, the Jesus could be shirtless and modeling designer jeans or men's cologne. No one gives a shit about truth

shikari_hikaru @ 2007-09-30T22:03:00

2007-10-01T02:16:10Z

People have no idea what they want. When you tell them you aren't smart, they want you to be smart and criticize you for downplaying your talents. When you agree that hey! maybe you are the least bit intelligent, they criticize you for being an ass and tell you that you talk down to them. You are condescending. Our culture is one of conflicted minds and passive thought. No one disagrees, because they just want to be accepted. They want to fit in. Or oppositely, they flagrantly disagree, so as to not fit in-- in order to fit in with the "out" crowd. So we walk around confused and bewildered looking for something to bring feeling to our outcast, hollowed shells. Some way to escape this rat race of meeting expectations and finding our place in the world. You realize that people take drugs because it's the only real personal adventure out there left to them in their time-constrained, law-and-order, properly-lined world. It's only in drugs or death that we'll see anything new, and for most, death is just too damn committed. And why not? Besides... your skeleton is just a way to keep your tissue off the floor anyways.

shikari_hikaru @ 2007-09-29T23:22:00

2007-09-30T03:35:08Z

If you're not on videotape, or better yet, living on satellite hookup in front of the whole world watching, you don't exist. You're that tree falling in the forest that nobody gives a rat's ass about. It doesn't matter if you do anything. If the world doesn't notice you, your life will add up to a big zero. Nada. Ziltch. You realize that if no one's watching, you might as well stay at home. Play with yourself. Sleep. Watch television. Fake or not, it's these kinds of truths that swarm inside of us. Realize that our mistrust of the future makes it hard to give up the past. We can't give up the concept of who we were. All of those adults playing archaeologist at yard sales, looking for childhood artifacts, board games, Candyland, Twister, they're terrified... Trash becomes holy relics. Our way of getting nostalgic for what we just threw in the garbage, it's all because we are afraid to grow old and die, unknown. unremembered.

shikari_hikaru @ 2007-09-18T01:16:00

2007-09-18T05:18:18Z

Getting is better than having. When you get something, it's new and exciting. When you have something, you take it for granted and it's boring. That's why you always need to get new things. "Waste and want", that's my motto!

shikari_hikaru @ 2006-04-19T11:03:00

2006-04-19T18:04:57Z

This journal is friends only! If you wish to read my journal, comment and I might add you to my list =P